


Cupcake? LOL.

by Cut Myself Shaving (Two_Guns_And_A_Knife)



Category: Stephanie Plum - Janet Evanovich
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-22
Updated: 2014-06-29
Packaged: 2017-12-27 07:25:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 9,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/976081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Two_Guns_And_A_Knife/pseuds/Cut%20Myself%20Shaving
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of short stories. Babe HEA. No animals were harmed in the making of these stories. One certain hairy man may be harmed, hurt, maimed, broken, damaged, or worse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cupcake? LOL.

**Cupcake? LOL.**

I saw the diamond. Bright. Shining. Beautiful. Even from a distance. I heard him pop the question. I heard her say yes. I saw them kiss. I couldn't say I was happy for him, though I was sure I felt something. I smiled and paid for my pizzas. The man behind the counter looked a bit awkward and embarrassed for me. I wanted to assure him I really didn't care about the ring. Joe was entitled to be happy without me. He now got the girl in his dream. She cooked. She baked. She loved dogs and children. She did the laundry. She taught Sunday school. She vacuumed and cleaned. She would be a most perfect Mrs. Joe Morelli. What would my mother say? What would the neighbors think? _Ah, poor Stephanie_? I rolled my eyes, pushed the door open, and walked out into the wind. Summer had gone away without saying goodbye. My ex-boyfriend was going to be married. Now autumn was here. I'd made my choice. I'd stood my ground. My life. My fate. My decision. Diamond was nothing but an expensive rock. I got in my car and drove toward the 7-floored building.

The man I loved was waiting for me.


	2. With This Ring

**With This Ring**

I heard them hissing. Cruel words. False accusations. Even from a distance. I knew he was about to erupt. I suspected soon she was going to be in tears. Smooth curly hair. Impeccable makeup. Nice pretty dress. She indeed was very lovely. I could see the ring on her slender finger. Untrained dog. Crazy Grandma. Long and unsteady working hours. Pain in the ass future in-laws. What was the problem this time? Hot Italian man. Sweet Irish girl. Trouble in Paradise. Would there still be a wedding? Everyone looked away and tried their best to eavesdrop. The man behind the counter looked intrigued. I felt an urge to assure him that I was definitely not gloating. I just wanted to pay for my pizzas and get the Hell out of here.

He turned to stare at me just as I was about to push the door open. Ah, unlucky me. A gust of wind rushed onto my face. I could hear her raise her voice.  _Geez, Joe. What will your mother say? What will your friends think? Just apologize like a man and get it over with._ I got in my car. I started the engine. I drove away. I didn't look back.

My Porsche purred all the way back to the 7-floored building.


	3. I Thee Wed

**I Thee Wed**

She clinches her teeth and closes her eyes. The sounds of the night dance outside the windows and whisper in the dim light. She gives up and sits up and stares at the man beside her. Her name is Emily. Emily Morelli, nee Hasting. She's thirty-one years old, makes the best apple pie in the world, and loves red red roses and homemade ice cream. And tonight, she tried and tried and tried but still cannot sleep. Now her headache is building into a major migraine, and both her eyes have started to twitch.

Love. Trust. Laughter. And babies. Joe's smiling eyes. Joe's wonder hands. Joe's magic lips. Joe's funny dirty jokes. Joe's sweet garlic breath. Her beautiful shining diamond ring. Her heart. Her soul. And her vows. Happiness. Loyalty. A promise to keep. Joe's dirty laundry. Joe's shady history. Joe's hot Italian temper. Joe's stubbornness. Joe's secret dreams.

This is not what she bargained for. She most definitely didn't sign up for this.

She has to put a stop to this.

She grabs hold of her pillow, takes a deep calming breath, puts it on Joe's face, and holds it right there. Till he stops twitching.

She smiles and yawns and finally loosens her grip. There, the snoring has stopped. Now she can finally, finally, have a good night's sleep.


	4. Till Death Do We

**Till Death Do We**

She wakes up, smile happily, and yawns. The lovely cozy bedroom is now bathed in morning sunlight. She just had a good night's sleep. And a sweetest dream. In which she was still eighteen and madly in love with Donovan Sanders, the tall lanky boy living just down the street. He was her first, and they shared the same dreams. But now, she's Emily Morelli, and she doesn't know where Donovan is. Time had torn them apart. And, from time to time, she still dreams of the night she gave herself to him in the backseat of his cousin's pickup truck. She can close her eyes and see all the stars in the sky and Donovan's smile, and feel his warm breath on her bare skin. First love never dies. She sits up and lets out a sigh, and turns to contemplate the still unmoving man on the other side of the bed.

Cautiously she sniffs the air, decides there's no foul or strange smell in the air, and puts a tentative hand on Joe's neck. He's not cold yet, and she can feel a very faint pulse. Well, someone has to go out to work, bring home the bread, and pay all the bills. And she doesn't want to go to jail. So she braces herself, starts pounding on Joe's extremely hairy lean muscular chest, and then breathes air into his gaping mouth. Soon he starts to cough and slowly regain consciousness. She smiles brightly and congratulates herself. Good thing she knows CPR and has a certificate.

"Rise and shine, Joe."

But she will definitely cut down on the garlic from now on.


	5. In Sickness And In

**In Sickness And In**

He just had the weirdest dream. In the dream he was dead, and Emily, his sweet and always perfect Emily, was laughing like a crazy witch. He stared at her and could not breathe. The world was snowing. Winter was already here. He turned his head and saw his still warm dead body. He tried to remove the pillow. He tried to yell for help. He tried to beg for Emily's mercy. Nothing worked. He failed. He stood there and heard the howling wind. What had he done? What had she done? What the Hell had happened? Why? Oh Why? Was there a reason for everything? He just stood there and had too many questions. Then he, somehow, once again, thought of Stephanie. He was now dead and she, undoubtedly, mist be very happy. Even if she didn't have a diamond ring. Even if she was living in sin with a lawles man, that tall dark crazy mercenary.

All of a suddenly he felt the familiar biterness. His heart burst inside his ribcage. Pain. Great scorching pain. Something cold and cruel and extremely unpleasant pulled him out of this cozy ooziness. He came back to the land of the living and started coughing. The first thing he saw when opening his eyes was Emily's smiling face. "Rise and shine, Joe." Her voice was so sweet and beautiful and innocent that it scared the shit out of him. And now, as he hastily chews and swallows the perfectly baked homemade English muffin, he feels the desperate need to fight off the sudden insecurity. Everything on the breakfast plate is just as perfect as his darling wife and they frighten him. He eats his breakfast as quickly and quietly as possible, trying his best not to do anything sudden or say anything stupid to provoke or anger Emily.

Detective Joe Morelli cringes inside a little as he finishes his breakfast and kisses his lovely wife goodbye. He doesn't know why but he decides he'll make appointment this morning with his doctor about snoring, and he will also buy her some flowers and help with the dishes after dinner this evening. Red roses, she loves red roses. He gets in his car and drives away as his wife stands on the porch waving at him.

He wants to stay alive. He's only thirty-six.


	6. To Have, And To Hold

**To Have, And To Hold**

I wrap myself in the blanket and fall asleep.

I walk down the pavement and come to a house. The bricks on the wall look like candy. A cat looks out from the window and stares at me. I push open the door and walk in. The cat is nowhere to be seen. I am here for someone. I am here to find something. I walk on and never make a sound. The house is quiet. I no longer hear the whirling wind. The loneliness tastes as light as an ounce of cloud. For some reason, I smile. I know this place. I have been here before. I climb the stairs and take the right turn. And there it stands, the ancient oak closet. Huge, and heavy. Smells like a pine forest. A pair of arms wraps around me. I lean back into the muscular chest. The sweet scent of Bulgari. I hope he remembered to close the doors. I don't want anyone to walk in on us. I am currently with someone else, technically.

He tightens his arms. I let out a sigh. I feel happy. So happy. His lips land on my neck. I close my eyes and gaze into the bright darkness. We are inside the closet. We are safe here. For this brief moment. This stolen forty-nine minutes. He is mine and I am his. No one can get between. When the dawn comes, tonight will be a memory too. He will smile at me and walk away. I will smile at him and pretend everything is the same. It's a game we play. We are both grown-ups here. We laugh at empty words. We don't do stupid things. We toy with our hearts. We sing and dance and steal another kiss in the dark alley when everyone is watching. I don't need another hero. He never wants a ring. Frodo Baggins. On the Bridge of Khazad-dûm. The Balrog. Gandalf. Fell off the bridge into the endless deepness of Moria. The dwarves. The orcs. The elves. Dangerous. Careless. Greed. Will I ever be able to forget the touch of his lips? Will I ever want to want another man? Yes. I know. I am being greedy...

We hear footsteps. They come closer. Closer. And closer. I start to panic. I am not fully dressed. I can't find my bra. They are going to yank at the closet doors. They are going to find us. I take a step backward. My heart won't stop racing. I press against his perfect body. He's hard. So hard. I take another step backward. We stumble into a word of whiteness. We find Narnia!

I open my eyes. I blink. I turn to look into the eyes of the man beside me. He raises a brow at me. The seventh-floor apartment is as quiet as usual. I have found my Dark Knight and I don't think I need a ring to prove anything. I smile at him and say the first thing that pops in mind.

"The dwarves of Moria dug too deep."

And he laughs as I wrap myself around him. "No shit, Sherlock."

 


	7. For Better, Or For Worse...

**For Better, Or For Worse...**

We exchange pleasant smiles. I can't help feeling a little bit awkward. Actually, I kind of like her. She's everything I am not, yet we are, in fact, not that different. About the same height. About the same weight. About the same build. Almost the same hair color, but different hue. I am here at the deli for a quick sandwich. She's shopping for lunch, dinner, and breakfast. Yeah, I heard she's an amazing cook. But I know how to bake chocolate chip cookies out of frozen dough. I also heard that she has tamed the beast in Joe. Once again my eyes fall on her wedding ring. It looks perfect on her slender hand. Sweet, gentle Emily, the current and hopefully the only Mrs. Joe Morelli.

"Ciao, Stephanie."

Her smile is warm and really cute. I give her a little finger wave and pay for sandwich, trying hard not to think of all those unnecessary silly questions. I am glad she's happy. I am glad Joe's happy. Of course I am aware people are watching. Sometimes this city feels like a circus. Everybody is holding their breath in case the juggler drops something and the acrobat falls from the swing. Maybe it's time to plan a trip to Vegas. We can go to one of the Cirque du Soleil Shows, try our luck in the casino, and watch sunrise in the desert...I drop my lunch and grab my phone. Ranger answers after one ring.

"Has your problem with the state of Nevada gone away?" My tone is light. My heart skips a beat. Am I sending the wrong message? My eye starts to twitch.

"Babe,"


	8. Together We May Be One

**Together We May Be One**

**~A Little Detour From The Story Line~**

It feels like life is mocking him.

Fifteen years after he got married to the woman of his choice and dreams, he wakes up everyday regretting. Her breasts are sagging. Her laughter sounds annoying. Her cooking ability is horrifying. And for some unknown reason they can't have kids. All the doctors say both of them are perfectly healthy. The romantic trip to Southern Italy didn't help. From folk remedies to prayers and magic, their mothers and female relatives have tried and tried everything. His heart broke the day his beloved Grandma died with eyes wide open. His last shred of hope shattered the night she told him that her period had stopped coming. Now they are both in their fifties. He's started growing hair in his ears, and the lines and wrinkles on her face are more and more apparent. Some mornings he wakes up hoping it's all a dream. Her eyes are as blue as ever, but he can no longer stand the sound of her snoring. They never talk about their true feelings. And it seems that he has lost interest in sex. He has to try everything and anything to satisfy Stephanie's need. Oh Lord, this is so not happening. He is a Morelli. The changes of his body frighten him. And thing got worse the day he caught a glimpse of the mysterious Mrs. Carlos Manoso.

For years he believed he was the winner, and he never wasted a chance to smile or grin in triumph. "See, she chose me." But Ranger's blank face never wavered. And now he thinks he knows why. That tricky bastard does everything for a good reason. That sly mercenary never does stupid things. And, truth be told, deep down he never stopped wondering why Ranger gave up so easily. That's probably the reason why he was so shocked and felt a sharp stab of jealousy and betrayal the day he saw his old rival. The smooth almost black hair barely has a dash of grey. The shoulders are still broad. The almost smile remains the same. And the young woman on his arm is flat out cute, and beautiful.

Rich old man and attractive young woman. All the good things money can buy. Just another nasty cliché.  _ **Pretty Woman**_. Richard Gere. He was tempted to walk over and say something sarcastic and offending. But then he saw the ring. On Ranger's hand. And he noticed the way Ranger looked at her. He almost laughed. Yeah, for some lucky cheap bastards, life is a fucking fairy tale.  _What about Stephanie?_ He, somehow, wanted to ask. But the happy couple got into that shining Porsche and drove away. He was left alone on the sidewalk.

And now he finishes shaving and looks into the mirror. Bob is long gone. He has grown old. The two-story house feels too big and too empty. True love, huh? Just the two of them. Till the end of time. The Bombshell Bounty Hunter and the Beast she tamed. Dinner will be served on time. Pot roast, and creamy mashed potatoes. Mr. and Mrs. Joe Morelli. Happily ever after. Someday, one day, his veins are gonna be clogged. He dries his face with a towel. He can hear Stephanie moving around downstairs in the kitchen.

He wonders what they're having for breakfast.


	9. As Long As We Both Shall Live

**As Long As We Both Shall Live**

It's Christmas. The world is covered in snow. He's afraid to meet Emily's eyes. All his efforts are fruitless. Somehow his sperm count is low. Way too low. And he can't tell another soul. For he feels that he's defective. And he's disappointed, disgusted, and unspeakably ashamed of himself. All his life he's been trying to prove his worth. He wants to have his own children. He knows he will be a great Dad. He wants to have a big family. And everyone will be smiling, laughing, and happy. So happy. Once upon a time he wanted a little girl like Stephanie. Big blue eyes. Brown curly hair. And it's no secret that Emily wants a little boy...

_"Don't worry, Joe. Things aren't that bad." The doctor smiled and said encouragingly._

_He simply nodded, having suddenly lost the ability to speak. Yeah, he could always try harder, and he did have faith in modern medicine and technology. But it was such an_ _unexpected blow to his pride and masculinity. His family has always been notably fertile and it seems that his cousins and siblings just can't stop popping out kids. They, in fact, reproduce like rabbits. He knew he should trust his doctor but he couldn't stop thinking about "What if?"._ _And he didn't know how to tell Emily._

And the problem is, he still doesn't.

His nephews and nieces run around all over his mother's house screaming. He takes another gulp of the Eggnog as Emily takes another sip of the middle-priced champagne. Sooner or later the cat will be out of the bag but still he doesn't want to upset Emily. Sometimes he still has nightmares about not being able to breathe, but at least he no longer wakes up with bruises on his chest. It's holiday season. He's sharing the beautiful pleasant evening with his whole family. It's not the time to feel lonely, frightened, uncertain, and scared. Grandma Bella made his favorite pasta. His mother baked his favorite pie and cake. He avoids meeting Emily's eyes.

He just wants to be happy.


	10. All The Days Of My Life

**All The Days Of My Life**

Something stirs in his chest.

Terry.

She looks good. Tall. Lean. Leggy. Curvy. And she sure knows how to kiss. So much more than a fond memory. A part of him will always long for her. A part of him will always care for her. The pleasure they gave each other. The passion. The unforgettable moments. She's still single. He's already a married man. He will never forget the look in her eyes the day she told him, "Congratulations." He couldn't tell if she was sad. It's just that everybody knew they wouldn't have a future together. A cop and a mobster's daughter. They were just like ice and fire. All kinds of problems and troubles ahead. Twists and turns and bumps and most definitely bruises. No happy ending. But the sex was good. So good. He sometimes dreams of her. Naked. Sweaty. Breathless. Smiling. On top of him. And then he wakes up and realizes it's all but a dream.

He heard Terry is seeing someone from New York. He heard Stephanie and Manoso have flown to Vegas. And here he is, stuck at the mall, waiting for Emily to finish shopping, hoping to get a pay raise, or a promotion. He takes another sip of his Coke. All the ice cubes have already melted. It tastes worse than tap water. He watches Terry walk away. He stands up and orders another cheeseburger. With extra onions.

It's just another day in his life. He's just a married man.

With low sperm count.


	11. To Be True To You

**To Be True To You**

Emily Morelli can't believe her eyes.

Donovan Sanders. He's now somehow taller, bigger, and looks stronger. His hair is shorter. Almost like a military cut. He's dressed all in black. She loves the boots he wears. Where has he been all these years? Is he married? Does he have kids? God, his smile is the same. Something tries to burst in Emily's chest. Subconsciously she holds her breath. Has he learned to dance? He dropped out of college and his family suddenly moved away a week before her nineteenth birthday. There were plenty of rumours but she never knows what really happened. Her eyes fall to his hand. A lot of married men don't wear their wedding rings. And she's wearing her diamond ring. She's no longer Emily Hasting. She's Mrs. Joe Morelli. What was she thinking? What is she expecting? That Donovan is still looking and waiting for her? That true love never dies and time doesn't matter?

Things have changed. She has changed. She had waited, waited, and waited. But Donovan never once called, written a letter or sent her an e-mail. He simply disappeared without a trace. So she let go and moved on. She didn't really have a choice. She finished college and got her degree. She accepted a job offer and moved to the Garden State of New Jersey. And then she met and chose Joe. To love and to hold. In sickness and in health. To be her lawful husband. And they are going to have children. One boy. One girl. And maybe a cat or a new puppy rescued from a high-kill shelter. She has it all planned. And now here he is. The love of her love. The boy in her dreams. How could she forget those Irish blue eyes? How could she forget those gentle kisses? How could she forget that clear laughter? They liked the same books. They liked the same movies. They loved the same music. How could she forget the the glorious moment when he whispered her name in her ear and claimed her virginity?

It's not too late to walk away. All she has to do is turn around and put that smile back on her face. Joe is waiting for her. She has a life to live. She has a promise to keep. She was born and raised Catholic. The Hastings don't do divorce. Neither do the Morellis. She's just another shopper in the mall. They must go on their separate ways. Let bygones be bygones. Let love fade away. Heartbreak is oh so overrated. Emily Morelli stops dead as she hears the familiar voice: "Emily? Emily Hasting?" Slowly she turns around, and the universe ceases to exist. Donovan. Donovan Sanders. Tall. Strong. Smiling.

Love is what truly matters.


	12. To Be Worthy Of Your Love

**To Be Worthy Of Your Love**

**~ A Happy Lunar New Year Special Chapter~**

But the sun is so bright. But the wind is so cool. And the sky is so blue. It's such a beautiful day. He wants to hang out with his cousins and friends. He wants to chat and enjoy his beer. He wants to breathe the fresh Jersey air. He wants to stretch and lazily yawn. He wants to go out and have fun. He wants to smile, laugh, and enjoy his life. But he's trapped inside here in this crowded house, breathing in the smell of overcooked food, spilled milk, wet dog, dirty socks, and foul diapers. Soul-rending screams and all kinds of household noises fill his ears.

Yes, he's a happy married man.

The proud father of three pairs of twins. The loving husband of a pretty blue-eyed woman. The simple gold wedding band around his finger feels heavier than chains and shackles. Yes, he finally got what he wanted. And now he's being choked by life's pleasures. The burdens of being a son, a husband, a father, and a dog owner. He has to walk the dog. He has to help with dishes and laundry as well. He has to help change the diapers. He has to help clean after the kids and Bob. He has a noble full time job. He has overactive sperms. Emily, his sweet gentle wife, has just told him she's pregnant again. He has a sneaky sinking feeling that they are going to have another pair of twins. Angie. Bella. Melissa. Tony. Marco. Joe. He has run out of baby names. He has started losing sleep and hair. He needs a bigger car. He needs a bigger house. He needs an immediate promotion. He needs a bigger paycheck. He needs condoms that work. He needs birth control pills for men. He needs some peace and quiet. He needs to scream, and shout, and let it all out. He wants to run away, somewhere, all by himself. He wants to be single again.

The kids scream and fight. Bob the dog barfs and farts. Emily turns to smile at him. Pregnancy always makes her more...demanding. He knows what's going to happen tonight when the kids are all asleep. The last time she looked at him like this, their elderly neighbors called 911 and complained about the noise in the dead of the night and he was so drained and in so much pain that he thought he would die...

Emily Morelli licks her lips.

Joe Morelli cringes inside.

 


	13. This Is My Solemn Vow

**This Is My Solemn Vow**

**~ A _Here Comes The Polar Vortex Again_  Special Chapter~**

Emily Morelli gave birth to triplets.

Like a slice of melted butter, Joe Morelli fainted.

All is fair in love and war.

And, sometimes, happiness kills.

 


	14. As I Love No Other

**As I Love No Other**

Las Vegas.

City Of Sin.

The red-haired woman smiles knowingly.

I'm in need of a deep calming breath.

She pronounces his name with an enchanting accent.

Yep, she literally purrs.

I narrow my eyes.

I thin my lips.

Should I punch her in her face?

Or should I shoot her in her foot?

He's mine.

Mine.

MINE!

Ranger gives her a small nod.

Ranger gathers me closer to his perfect hard body.

We walk away.

I feel his almost smile deepening.

She stays where she is, staring.

Ah, jealousy.

 


	15. What God Has Joined Together

**What God Has Joined Together**

Emily Hasting.

Mrs. Morelli.

She stops chopping. She looks at her finger. She always wears her ring. She really likes this ring. She thinks of all the things this diamond ring stands for and of all the complexity of life. She puts down the knife. Here she is, standing inside this well-equipped kitchen, making French vegetable soup, doubting the decisions she has made, questioning the purpose of her life, questioning everything she has ever known. Is this what she wants? Having sex with a lean hairy husband. Tolerating his snoring. Waiting to get pregnant. Thinking of someone else. Cooking her life away. The radio plays the same songs everyday. The scent of celery makes her want to weep. Joe will soon be home for dinner. Grandma Bella's birthday is next week.

Donovan wanted to say something, but stopped when he saw her ring. Gollum bit off Frodo's finger. Gollum got the ring. Gollum fell into the fires of Mount Doom. Did he feel the pain? Did he try to scream? She stares at the ring. The shining modest diamond. The platinum band. The vow. The curse. The bond. The ties. The chains. She's no longer a free woman. Her hand is already taken.

Unless.

Unless.

Unless...

The house is dark when he lets himself in. The smell of uncooked vegetables shifts in the air. "Emily?" He calls out but no answer comes. "Cupcake?" He tries again. He frowns at the empty kitchen. He goes upstairs. No one's at home and now he's baffled. Where has she gone? He checks his phone. He tries her phone. She left not a word. He goes back downstairs. Everything looks neat and intact. His stomach growls. His dinner is not yet cooked. Will she be mad if he orders a pizza and eats it all? Will she be happily surprised if he makes dinner for the two of them and wait for her? He doesn't want her to be upset. Maybe he should wait. Maybe he should order Chinese for a change. Maybe he should drive to the nearest grocery store, grab some candles, and a bottle of Champagne. Maybe he should also buy her a box of expensive chocolates. Yes, he has just realized that he forgot all about Valentine's Day. Well, it wasn't exactly his fault. The weather was so freaking cold and it wouldn't stop snowing. He thought it was just another Friday. He tried to initiate sex but she said she had a headache. He runs his hands through his hair. He sighs and rubs his face with both hands. Now he will have to make it up for her. Ah, the woes of being a married man.

He grabs his keys and drives all the way to the supermarket. He chooses a somewhat expensive bottle of Champagne, a dozen roses, and a box of too expensive chocolates. He stops by the new fancy Chinese restaurant. He drives all the way home to find the house still empty. He checks his phone and tries Emily's phone again. He sits on the couch and turns on the TV. He waits. His stomach growls again. He waits some more. The food gets cold. He blows out a sigh and starts eating. He drinks a bottle of bear. He checks his watch and phone constantly. He stares at the TV. He drinks another bottle of beer. He keeps waiting. He falls asleep.

He has a most terrible dream.


	16. Chapter 16

**Husband and Wife**

In the dead of the night he startles awake.

In his dream Bob was still alive.

In his dream he laughed like a child.

He sits up and rubs his eyes. Everything around him is silent. The house is bathed in darkness. He scratches himself. He yawns. He freezes and frowns. He remembers leaving the light and the TV on. He tenses. He relaxes. Emily. Emily is home. He smiles. He doesn't know why he feels so anxious. Maybe she ran into an old friend and they decided to do some catching up. And she forgot to call. That's all. There is nothing to worry about. They had a great time, and she forgot the time. And tomorrow morning she will tell him all about it over breakfast. He will smile and nod, and suggest that she invites her friend over for dinner. Together they will show the world how happy they are. He will make sure everyone knows she's a most perfect wife. He will make sure everyone knows he's such a sweet husband. All he needs to do is do something about his sperm count. All he needs to do is smile and be polite. And maybe, perhaps, God will have mercy on him and give him a child. He stands up and stretches. His mouth tastes like stale beer and fried rice. He will will creep upstairs. He will quickly brush his teeth. He will then take off his clothes and slip into bed beside his lovely wife. And maybe she won't have a headache this time.

Emily is sitting on the bed with her hat, shoes, and clothes on. She looks like a lady from an old movie poster.

He can see that she has already packed her suitcase and travelling bag. His heart falls to the bottom of an abyss. He opens his mouth but no sound comes out. He's confused. He's scared. He's more than a little bit frightened. What happened? What is she doing? He dares not ask.

"Joe," Emily looks at him with those clear blue eyes. She's as lovely as the first time he saw her. "I want a divorce."

 ** _WHAT?_  **He gapes.

"I've make a terrible mistake." She stands up, and takes a step toward him. "I'm very sorry."

 ** _No._**  He backs away.

"It's been a mistake." She takes a step closer. "This marriage."

He backs another step.  _ **This can't be real.**_

"I'm still in love with him." She takes another step. Her smile is both beautiful and sad.

All of a sudden he can no longer feel his legs under him. He starts feeling dizzy.  _ **This can't be happening.**_

"After all these years. After everything"

He flinches. And the floor beneath him disappears. He tumbles all the way down the stairs. The world turns black. Pain swallows him. Emily screams.


	17. I Do

**I Do**

It was a clean break. Nothing else is seriously damaged. He'll be in a sling for a several weeks. He'll have to learn to use his left hand.

"Emily," He says as she stands up to leave.

He's extremely tired. He's exhausted. He's still a bit confused. He's suddenly afraid of this stabbing loneliness. He remembers the first time he met her. He remembers the first thing she said. It was hard watching Stephanie walk away. It was a mistake letting Stephanie slip out of his grasp. He felt beaten. He felt depressed. He hated feeling alone. And then one day Emily came across his path. And then almost immediately he fell for this smiling, pretty blue-eyed brunette. They dated. He proposed. She said yes. They had their first fight, as a couple, inside Pino's. He apologized. They had make-up sex. The wedding was beautiful. She's a most talented cook. She's a sweet lovely wife. She's nothing like Stephanie Plum. She's everything he wants. They are a perfect match. And he thought she was happy.

"Emily, please." He pleads.

Emily Morelli takes off her ring. Emily Morelli kisses her husband on his cheek. Emily Morelli places the ring in his palm. Emily Morelli squeezes his hand gently. The ER nurses and doctors widen their eyes. His mother and elder brother arrive. The universe stand very still. Emily Morelli smiles her pretty smile.

"Take care of yourself, Joe. I've got to go."

And just like that, she walks out of his life.


	18. I Promise

**I Promise**

He turns away from his mother's agonized gaze. He remains silent to his brother's questioning brows.  ** _It wasn't my fault._**  He wants to say. All his life he has made many mistakes. The diamond ring feels heavy in his hand. He looks down and stares at his wedding band. Simple. Golden. Cool. And now he can't even take it off. He's gonna need some help.

His mother puts her hand on his face. The bruise there is ugly and huge. Luckily, he didn't lose a tooth. His mother says not a word. His brother runs a hand through his his dark curls and then lets out a sigh. One of the nurses comes over and smiles. He's free to go home now. He murmurs a thank you. He resents the curiosity and sympathy in the nurse's eyes. Home. Sweet home. Emily is gone and Bob is dead. He gets into his brother's car and closes his eyes. The night is cool. The streets are quiet. The stop in front of his mother's house.

At least he no longer has to worry about his low sperm count.

 


	19. I Will

**I Will**

Joe Morelli is going crazy.

He has asked around. He has pull favors. He has done a lot of digging. He's a cop. He was born and grew up here. He has eyes and ears all over the city. He's smart. He's determined. He's sad. He's angry. He hasn't shaved in days. His arm is still in a sling. He's still wearing his wedding band. He pulled every string he could. And now, finally, He has found something.

Jake Fransico. Ex-Marine. Single. No criminal record. Model citizen. Good-looking. The man who wrecked his marriage. The love of his wife's life. RangeMan employee.

Morelli stares hard at the photo on the computer screen. He rests his free hand on his forehead, his finger touching the old scar in his left brow. He Lets out a low laugh. The story of his life is like a fucking B-Rated movie. He tried to fight for Stephanie. He did everything he could. He applied every tactic he knew. Still he lost her to the other man. Should he fight for Emily? Will it be worth it in the end? Right now his heart and head are singing different tunes. Which one should he listen to? The look in his mother's eyes. The way his brother, cousins and friends pat him on the back. The silence and emptiness of his lovely house. His pride. His ego. His needs. His anxiety. He feels like trapped and he sees no light ahead. He doesn't want to die lonely. He wants to wake up, everyday, next to a soft warm naked female body. He's also desperate to have a kid. A little boy. Tiny hands. Tiny feet. They will adopt a new puppy. A big happy friendly mutt. Just like Bob. They will have fun. They will be loved. Life will be perfect. He wants to tell Emily the truth. They can try for a test-tube baby. They can go to a counselor. They can fix everything...

_"I'm still in love with him."_

_"After all these years."_

_"After everything."_

Joe Morelli closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and counts to 10 through clenched teeth. He opens his eyes, reaches for his phone, and dials the familiar number.

"We need to talk." Morelli says flatly into the phone.

Ranger hangs up without saying goodbye.

"Rude bastard." Morelli curses.

"Joe, dinner's ready." His mother calls out from the kitchen.

They are having pasta salad tonight.


	20. Today, Tomorrow, And Forever

**Today, Tomorrow, And Forever**

"Tell him to stay away from my wife." His hands shake a little.

"Tell him to stay away from our life." His words slur. His breath smells of alcohol.

"We'll work things out. There's won't be a divorce." Yeah, a little wine is good for health.

The man in front of him remains silent. There's no ring on that Mocha Latte finger. They are living in sin. The man in black. His old Cupcake. Stephanie. Why didn't her mother do something? Why didn't her father say anything? Why do they need to have this conversation? It's awkward, isn't it? He misses Emily's cooking. He knows he's drunk. He once started a fight in this bar. He beat the crap out of a guy he didn't know. He walked away the winner. And now he's suddenly hungry.

"I want her back." He jabs a finger at the photo he printed out from the computer. He feels like throwing up. He raises his voice a little. The double cheese fries were probably not a good idea. "I want her back."

Joe Morelli wants to kill his wife's lover. Joe Morelli has no idea that the man's real name is not Jake Fransico. FBI's witness protection program ruined lives. FBI's witness protection program did wonders for a lot of people. Joe Morelli knows nothing about the boy once named Donovan Sanders. Joe Morelli had to gulp down the vodka. To muster his courage. To clear his thoughts. This is humiliating. Having to ask for Ranger's help. They listen to him. They obey his orders. Joe Morelli is a good cop. Joe Morelli will not bend the law. Joe Morelli is lonely. Joe Morelli is hurt.

"Do something. "Joe Morelli's voice cracks, and trembles. Nope. He didn't burst into tears. He wants a second chance. He has done nothing wrong. He will hold on tight. He will not let go. "You're his boss."

Ranger stands up and leaves without a word.

The music, the laughter, and all the other noises in the bar drown Joe Morelli alive.


	21. I Choose You

**I Choose You**

She's an excellent cook.

His small one-room apartment is now spotlessly clean.

The day she showed up at the front desk of the building and asked for him. The moment she was told there was no one by that name. The look on her face when she turned away to leave. He stared hard at the monitor screen. His father was the key witness of a crime. His whole family had no choice but to give up their old life to stay alive. Everything happened so fast. There was no time to say goodbye. New name. New hometown. New background. New identity. He was stripped of his college scholarship. He was stripped of his chance. He was stripped of his dreams. He joined the Marine. It was his only escape. He was young. He was scared. He was upset. He was angry. He was unhappy. He missed Emily. He never stopped missing her. And now, here she is, sitting in front of him, smiling. And she no longer wears the ring. The way she smiles. The way her eyes sparkle. She is happy. So happy. And so is he.

A million emotions ran through his body when he jumped out from the chair, raced down the stairs, burst out of the building and called out her name. The surprise and joy on her face. The tears and laughter in her eyes. Slowly he walked up toward her and reintroduced himself to the woman he loves.

He reaches out and takes hold of her hand. The long search has come to an end. He will hold on. He won't let go. Soon she will be single again. Soon they will start their own family. They will have a small wedding. He will let her choose the ring. He's grateful to have her back in his life. He will ask for a transfer. He knows she will fall in love with Miami in no time at all.

Things are always more complicated when your girlfriend's ex is a cop. He has read through Joe Morelli's file twice. "Watch your six." Ranger's tone was cool and calm.

Luckily, Jake Fransico knows how to take care of himself. The US Marine Corp has trained him well.

Maybe too well.


	22. All That Is To Come

**All That Is To Come**

He went back to the house.

His once warm and cozy home smells of loneliness. He is a little drunk. Emily has changed her number. Today he received divorce papers from a lawyer. Her lawyer. People have seen them together. She. And that bastard. Shameless. Heartless. Cold. So cold. He puts a hand of the back of the couch. One night, a long time ago, he wanted to have sex, during a baseball game, on the couch. She frowned. She said no. She was never into baseball. She's not a Yankees fan. And she didn't want to leave a stain on the couch. She liked the couch. It was, and still is, very comfortable. Her precious couch. Country style. Lovely flower patterns.

He knows where they live. He knows what they must be doing. At this hour. Hot steaming sex. Wild gorilla sex. Balls to the wall. Screaming. Panting. Yes! Yes! Yes! He feels sick and disgusted. He wants to puke. To empty his stomach. To throw his heart out. He should be the one fucking her. Right here. Right now.

He recalls the day Stephanie came here. For the very last time. To say goodbye. To put an end to their off-and-on relationship. And he thought she was kidding. Ranger doesn't do relationship. What's she gonna do? Live in sin till eternity? Till he knocks her up? Till he finds someone else? Who the Hell do you think you are, Cupcake? Angelina Jolie? Robin Scherbatsky? He snorted. She stood up, turned around, stopped to pat Bob, and left. He ignored the lump in his throat. He was choking with disbelief. She didn't say goodbye. She didn't wish him luck. She moved in with Ranger. That very night. Now she still doesn't wear a ring. But everyone says she's happy. So happy. At some point, he'd stopped waiting. She's not coming back. And he doesn't like this new Stephanie. She makes him feel jealous. She makes him want to prove something. She irritates him.

He misses Bob. He wants his old life back. He was the most desirable bachelor. He was a star police detective. He was the happiest groom. He had everything. Stephanie left his universe cracked. Emily deprived his world of light. Ricardo Carlos Manoso. Jake Fransico. Thieves. Liars. Bastards.

He takes a shaky breath. His hands tremble a little. In time his bone will heal. Forever his heart will stay broken. Cupcakes. Fucking Cupcakes. His precious Cupcakes. They are now sleeping with other men and one day they'll carry other men's babies. Yeah, he thought he'd forget all about his low sperm count. No such luck. Pity. He has every right to be angry and frustrated. Isn't he entitled to some justice?

Starting from tomorrow, he will flag down every RangeMan vehicle and and try his best to conduct a search with or without a warrant. He will abuse his power a little. Every day he will carry out his little revenge. He will think of different ways. All roads lead to Rome. He will make their life a living Hell. He will make her come back to him. He will punish her for adultery. She shouldn't have broken her vows. They were united in front of God. She can't just walk away like this. He loved her. He loves her. They were meant to be. They are a perfect match.

"Emily. Emily." He breaks out sobbing. His voice echoes through the emptiness. He cries and cries. He doesn't know why he's so sad. He's a grown up man. He has witnessed almost everything. He's still wearing his wedding ring. One Ring to bind them all. One ring to find forever happiness. A house with white picket fence. A friendly dog. A smiling woman. Sunlight. Plastic swimming pool. Summer breeze. A couple kids.

In the silent darkness Joe Morelli breaks into tiny little pieces.

In the blissful silence Emily Hasting makes love to Jake, Donovan, whatever his name is. A name is but a name. It's love that counts.

Stephanie Plum smiles up at Ranger.

 


	23. To Be Your Lawful

**To Be Your Lawful**

He collapses into the bed, exhausted. He just had a bad day at work. He made several amateur mistakes. He couldn't concentrate. He lost his temper and almost shouted at a couple friends and colleagues. He ignored his mother's calls. He feels like smacking someone. He can take care of himself.

His stomach growls. The fridge is empty and he hasn't done the laundry. All of a sudden, the house feels too big. He closes his eyes and lets the anger burn inside. Emily's lawyer left him yet another message. Everyone down at the station tried hard not to show their sympathy. He's a wreck, that much he knows. No one can blame him. He's the victim here. He won't sign the divorce papers. She will have to come to beg him. In person. He will look her in those blue, blue eyes. He will ask her why. Who knows? Maybe he'll even ask for break up sex. He'll ask her to reconsider. His stomach growls again.

He needs to eat something. He's too tired to move a finger. He needs to piss. He lets out a groan. He gets up. He also needs a shower.

He pays the pizza delivery guy, locks the door, and turns on the TV. He take s a hearty bite of the gooey happiness. The Yankees won. He takes a gulp of the cold cold beer. Yay. Sorry, no happy dance. He finishes the pizza. He licks his fingers. He enjoys the last drop of his beer. He yawns. He hasn't had sex in ages. Orgasm is so overrated. He will survive. He burps. He scratches himself. This is going to be a lonely night. No man is an island? He snorts. Says who?

At some point he falls soundly asleep. The lock tumbles. He snores louder. A shadowy figure comes in. He never hears the soundless feet. Cold slender hands snake around his neck and like a boa constrictor start choking him. He jerks awake and tries to struggle but the grip is too strong and too determined to break loose from. He stares up and gazes into the cold blue fury. Her beautiful face is contorted.

"Leave us alone." Emily warns, her voice a low hiss. "Do not stand in my way."

He starts to panic. He feels the bad kind of dizzy. Like the time he got shot. Like the time he got run over by a car. His vision blurs as his brain starts to shut down. He knows he's going to die. He senses the fear. He can not breathe. The woman he loves, his wife, is crazier than the Evil Witch of the East. His life slips away. All his anger vaporizes. Pure terror fills the void. Emily. Sweet Emily. Emily. Crazy Emily. The red red lips curl into a sneer. The cold blue eyes are not human. He gasps out his last breath...

He screams himself awake. Morning light shines through from the windows. The lights and the TV are still on. His heart jumps in his chest. Gingerly he puts his hand on his throat.

With shaking hands Joe Morelli signs the divorce papers.

His neck looks normal and is bruise-free.

He can still feels the swelling.


	24. And My One True Love

**And My One True Love**

He drives a long long way and arrives at a less frequented beach. Above him in the sky, greyish clouds cluster like a heavy blanket. He gazes out at the sea. He listens quietly as the seabirds and the shorebirds sing. The weather is not exactly beautiful. It's Sunday. It's April. It's Spring. He strolls along the beach. He's the only human being here. He's going to throw his wedding band into the deep blue sea. His long wavy hair dances in the wind. He has signed up for online dating service. He has made inquiries about speed dating. He did that to make his mother happy. Though he indeed is lonely. Emily has moved to Miami. He tries hard not to think of Stephanie. For a brief second he believes the sound of the waves is mocking him.

He changes his direction and walks along a grassy path. He stops to study the nameless flowers. Something in a nearby bush catches his eyes. A single egg in a lonely nest. A loner. Abandoned. Just like him. Something stirs in his heart.

He smiles and walks off the path. He squats down and picks up the egg. Small. Delicate. Fragile. Precious. Hopefully not lifeless. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe this is the sign he's been waiting for. It's more than a coincidence. It's a message. A prophecy. He holds the egg in both hands. He's at the brink of tears. Today the Lord Jesus rose from the dead. All hope will be restored and happiness will be regained. He closes his eyes. He's ready to say a prayer.

Something screeches overhead. He looks up. A seagull drops down from the sky like a bomb. Another seagull appears out of nowhere. Like a pair of fierce bloodthirsty alien monsters, they start attacking him. The pain is sharp and merciless. He screams. He runs for his life, with the seagull parents in hot pursuit. He screams louder. The seagulls screech louder. He runs faster. The attack becomes fiercer. There's only one pair of footprints in the sand.

He thinks he's bleeding.

 


	25. I Take You

**I Take You**

Every single hair on his head. Every single hair on his body. His teeth. His tongue. His nails. The mole on his ball and the hair on the mole. Everything everywhere hurts like Hell. The damn mean gulls. He can hardly breathe. He can hardly talk. He thinks he's still in shock.

What have I done? What have I done? He keeps asking himself. All the women in his life. All the promises no one bothered to keep. All his shattered and cast away dreams. His engulfing loneliness. He can find the answers. He can't find the reasons. He feels broken. He feels lost.

He looks at his ring. It shines brightly under the light. It fits his finger perfectly. He just wants to find a good woman. A true and genuine one. One that knows how to cook. One that knows how to bake. One that knows how to smile. One that knows how to laugh. One that loves to clean. One that doesn't mind doing a little ironing. One that loves to do the laundry. One that will always be there when he comes home after a long day's tedious work. One that will always loves him. Is that too much to ask?

He turns on the TV. The Yankees lost. Robie Cano sucks. A Baltimore street collapsed. The Southern California wildfire is still not totally contained. The tornadoes. And the floods. The world he grew up in is falling apart. He has, somehow, let happiness slip through his hands. Was it his fault? Is he the one to blame? It's just another Friday. It's just another day in May. Spring has finally arrived. Yet everything feels so cold. The bald spot on top of his head is still a bit swollen. The seagull parents showed him no mercy. His mother went to the church to light a candle for him. He's not going to go near that beach again. One hundred years of solitude. Ten millions years of loneliness. He feels like a caged animal.

And all the visitors in the zoo are laughing at him.


	26. Forever Hold Your Peace

**Forever Hold Your Peace**

He decides to grow a beard. A real, long, fuzzy beard. Like the ZZ Top. He knows he will look good in beard. Like an Italian George Clooney. Or a darker Johnny Depp, or Brad Pitt. Yes, he should grow a beard. It will distract people from the sorrow in his eyes. It will prevent them from asking hurtful, embarrassing questions. It will help them ignore the growing bald spot on the top of his head. Sometimes, when he lies all alone in his bed, he thinks of Emily. Sometimes, when he chews and swallows a piece of pancake, he thinks of Stephanie. Why is he still single? What's wrong with women these day? He's a faithful man and he holds on to traditional values. We each have our roles to play. He is the alpha male. The defender. The provider. The ultimate dominant. The leader of the pack. Not to mention he's a handsome man. He has his special needs and standards. Like everybody else. So why is it so difficult? Why can't he find the special someone who's more than "just any ordinary woman"?

He wants to drive over to the bonds office, to check on Stephanie and to talk about the good old days. But his pride won't allow him. He wants to buy a plane ticket to Miami, to check on Emily and to walk on the crowded and hopefully seagull-free beach. But he's afraid that Emily may actually kill him. What the Hell happened to them, his sweet Cupcakes? What the Hell has happened to him? He was the tall dark handsome Italian Stallion. He was the irresistible, attractive bad boy. He was every girl's fantasy. He still has that smile. He still has those teeth. His body is still firm and lean. He hasn't had sex in ages. He can no longer ignore the deep, aching longings.

What if he can't find the right woman? His mother is hopeful and optimistic. What if he can't sire his own children? His doctor is confident that one day, sooner or later, modern medicine will find a cure. And he can always try a test tube baby. And If Ben Affleck can be Batman, so can he—and and every other ordinary Joe and Jane, by the way.

"Come on Joe. You can do it." He whispers to the mirror and tries to grin. The scar in his brow has grown paler. The eagle tattoo on his chest is as beautiful as usual. His his throbbing manhood is as magnificent as ever. All his brown dense long curly chest hairs are firmly in place. In a blink of an eye he will be 40. He still misses Bob and it's still too early to get a new dog. His once lovely cozy sweet home now feels like a haunted house. He wants to know what love is. He wants to know what marriage is. He wants to know what family is. He wants to feel a father's joy. He wants to reassert a husband's pride. The right to be happy and without fears. The right to be the king in his own home. The right to make his wife his queen—

"Sweet Jesus! Joseph! Put some pants on!" His mother almost drops the casserole dish in her hand.

He lets out a horrified little squeak and hurries upstairs. If only he has the right to walk around naked in his own house on hot Sundays...

Yes, he's going to grow a beard **.**

**~~The End~~**


	27. I Will Try In Every Way

**I Will Try In Every Way**

**~Epilogue~**

The day he died the weather was nice and very pleasant.

He didn't die of a bullet wound.

He wasn't stabbed to death.

He was a seasoned police detective. He was well-trained. He was a true professional.

They said he died of a broken heart. They said he died because he couldn't find true love. They said over the years loneliness had eaten him up.

He had no spark left inside him. He seldom smiled. He always ate alone.

He never got married again.

He had no children.

He died on a summer day. A beautiful, bright Sunday. All the other people inside Pino's let out a collective gasp as he collapsed. Pizza margherita and beer. The last meal he had. At his usual table. The bald spot on top of his head stared back at the universe.

His death caused a stir. Then slowly the ripples died out. His desk was given to a rookie detective. His lovely two-story house was quickly sold. His favorite niece chose a stylish coffin. The funeral was beautiful. His eldest nephew broke into sobs when the lawyer read his will.

That evening, the grieving family had pasta for dinner.

 


End file.
